[and things that would have better off if left unsaid]
I regretfully submit my heartfelt feelings on a recent event that affected a relationship with a long-time friend. Sometimes its better to end the pain you cause those you care about by letting them go.
Usually when you both know there is nothing left to say.My week couldn't have been much worse than it was, it seems that no matter what I do, I cannot get ahead. A long-time on-line friend of mine and I had a severe enough argument that we came to what seems to be a mutual decision to dissolve the relationship entirely. This was suggested on my part and she didn't seem to have a problem jumping in to agree with me. Maybe its better this way.
I really feel that everything I said was causing her pain anyway. It got to a point where I was afraid to say 'how are you'?, because when I hear about it, it will be all my fault by the time we are finished talking. When I say nothing, I get questioned about whether or not I'm listening. When I give input and try to help, I'm attacking her. I really am at a loss for what to do in this type of situation so if anyone knows, please by all means enlighten me.
The past few months have been emotional for everyone on Earth; I do not think I am alone in being more sensitive to things than I used to be. Everybody feels vulnerable these days; unfortunately we are attacking each other instead of really listening to what we are saying and what is being said to us. I've always tried to be a good listener, and be sympathetic to people's feelings when they open up to talk to me about their problems. Its hard to know when they just want to talk and when they want advice, and sometimes I give advice when its not welcome. I am not sure if this is really a horrible characteristic, but when I do so, its out of concern, not spite.
Very often what I have to offer comes across as an attack on the person, at least I am learning that they are taking things this way. It troubles me to think that in my attempts to help I am making them feel worse.
I do value all of my friends, on-line and in my personal life; I care about their lives, their families, their interests and the trials they are trying to overcome. All I can offer is my time and I do try to allocate it where I feel is most needed. Sometimes that leaves other people feeling ignored, and this is not my intention. All of you at one time or another have been the one most in need and you have gotten more of my attention at that time than the other people that were on-line at the same time. It's not that I feel any of you are less important than another; it's just my way of caring for the most critical at the time.
Keeping friends is something that takes a lot of effort, love and patience and it's easy to feel overwhelmed in our own problems and not feel strong enough to support our friends. I would hope that makes sense.
I am not perfect. I am not a people expert. I don't have the answers to everything and sometimes I feel like I fall short of your expectations when I don't have a solution for your problem. This isn't because you express dissatisfaction in me but because I desperately wish I could help. It pains me to see any of you unhappy, that is only because even though you are "on-line" I do see you as real people. We all have an image we wish to project on here; that is part of what makes it so easy to make friends (albeit lose them as well) on-line.
I already have some regrets over things that were said; however in an effort to defend myself, in a lot of the things I said I feel I needed to say them. It is never my intention to upset anybody, and it causes me pain to know that I have.
I appreciate the time you have taken to read my thoughts on this subject and I feel that I can eventually feel better about the events that took place preceding this rant. For what its worth, I am sorry it had to turn out like it has.
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28 Jan 2002- perotheus.com
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