- Saturday, September 13, 2008
My name is Pero, and I'm a drug user.
It is not common for me to resort to medication for tolerable problems or ailments. I have suffered countless cluster headaches, knee injuries, post-surgery recoveries, heart-burn episodes, hemrhoids, cuts, scrapes, bruises, a hairline fracture of the tibia, two broken toes and a dislocated finger without the use of analgesic drugs. A couple of examples of the limit to my pain tolerance; recurring swimmers-ear when I was younger, and the time the pins used in the crown on my (only) root canal slipped, sending constant pain jolting through my head for two and a half days.I take my hypertension medication as directed. I have been known to pop a zantac when I am feeling the effects of stress on my Gastroesophageal well-being. Other than that, I will try to suffer through most of the more common issues, including (up until recently) chronic sleep maintenance insomnia.
Over the past couple of months, on occasion, I have utilized over-the-counter medications in order to sleep successfully through the night. By "successfully", I mean without disruption. By "through the night", I mean a period of time extending beyond three hours.
Who would have imagined that something as simple as a little blue unisom gel would allow me to slip into dreamland and sleep through the night until the alarm clock brought me back to the land of the 'lerts?
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 10:59 PM | œ | 0 comments
Chronic- Ironic
Maybe I shouldn't have tried that Indian food for lunch today. Maybe I am just preoccupied with thoughts regarding some test scores. Maybe the refrigerator at work really isn't keeping my food cold enough, and even though the yogurt was dated 17 August, how can you tell when yogurt is BAD? I don't FEEL ill. I show no signs of food-related illness. I'm just trying to set the scene with possible reasons that I would find myself awake after such a short amount of time.Whatever the reason... I'm up. I was tired three hours ago. I turned off the TV, climbed in bed, and fell asleep quickly. I woke up twice, but I did not allow myself to look at the clock, because although I am not superstitious, I thought that I'd be better off not really knowing how long I had slept so far. I fell back asleep without any problems both times, but the second time, the sleep was fitful. The room felt too warm despite it being 69 degrees (farenheit). I struggled to cling to the edge of the deep sleep I so desperately need--and deserve.
I woke again, this time needing to empty my bladder. I washed my hands, and as I stood in the doorway leading from the bathroom to my bedroom, I could see the blurry glow of the digits on the alarm clock across the room. I squinted my eyes trying to focus on the numbers it displayed. 12:32. I thought, Surely that can't be right. I've been asleep longer than that. Unfortunately, the clock does not lie. Unfortunately, I am no longer sleepy. Unfortunately, even if I do not fall back asleep, I have to be up in roughly four hours to go to work.
The last caffeine I had today was around three p.m. I am beginning to wonder if, unlike normal people, I sleep better when I do consume caffeine late in the day. In the past few months, sleep has not been a major problem for me. I had been falling asleep quickly, as usual, but instead of waking up after two or three hours (like I have tonight), I have been sleeping five hours, straight through without any significant interruptions. Any trips to the toilet have been infrequent and have not caused much disturbance in my ability to return to sleep. In the recent months, I have not been in bed, awake, fretting over mundane bulls-h!t, and then objurgating myself for doing so.
Ironically enough, this first night of sleep disruption--or perhaps the return of the torture so familiar to me--has simply returned to continue my imprisonment within its grip-- but Ironically enough, it comes immediately after I post about caffeine addction. (Cruel humor on someone's part, I tell you.)
Update: 2:37 a.m. (same date) Well, "Thank You", neighbor, for allowing your idiot dog access to his doggie-door tonight, even though you and I both know how I feel about his unruly barking habit. Even though roughly three months ago at six fifteen in the morning I was at your door, having just disturbed YOUR sleep because YOUR dog was outside barking for five minutes. Even though I made it unmistakably clear exactly how I felt about his constant yapping. Even though I brought it to your attention that just because you sleep at night and work during the day, not everybody shares that schedule. Even though you apologized and promised to do something about it (and while it has improved ALOT...) you failed to get your ass up and do something about it now. Thanks, man, way to keep your word.
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 12:52 AM | œ | 0 comments
Insomnia, huh? So How's that Working for Ya?
Every morning at five, as my alarm-clock-radio comes alive with whatever crappy radio station to which it is currently tuned, I have my first conscious thought. Most often this is muttered quietly to nobody in particular... "Effewseekay." Yes, that is a negative outlook. But, if you have never had frequent insomnia, it may be hard for you to comprehend the problem.
Every night, I get in bed when I feel (mentally and physically) tired. I give myself an average of 10 minutes to brush my teeth, floss, and climb into bed to get comfortable. Then, once I turn out the lights, it takes me about 10 more minutes to fall asleep. Two hours later, I wake up. Half an hour to an hour later I fall asleep again. (Each time this occurs, the time I spend sleeping is a little shorter; although the amount of time lost each cycle is too varied to be scientific.)
THE MATH:Silencing the alarm, I remain in bed; my first conscious thought still lingering in my head, for about five minutes. I then rise from the bed, pull the blankets and covers up (a.k.a. - I make the bed), turn off the fan (used for white noise), wander down the hall to wake the kid (who is now at a point where she is MOSTLY self-sufficient), stumble to the kitchen to launch the coffee maker, and feed / medicate the animals. Then I return to my room to hop in the shower.
Using the above example
If Pero begins his nightly routine at 10:30 p.m., and by 11:00 p.m. he has been asleep 10 minutes, how much sleep will he get by the time he has to get out of bed to get ready for work?
I have recently noticed that I have been talking to no one in particular (that would be myself), declaring, "I am tired" emphatically. I am not sure what my subconscious hopes to gain with this particular mantra; since I am positive that it plays no useful role in the WAKING process; therefore, I am considering moving this habit to just before bed time.
After the shower and shave (provided I bother to shave that day) and getting dressed (clothing required), I let the dog out, gather my necessary items (mobile phone, insulted coffee cup, keys) and place them together on the counter by the coffee maker. The aforementioned kid is usually already dressed and eating cereal, sometimes while finishing the math homework that failed to be remembered the day before.) She then packs her bag, and as I leave for work she goes to the neighbors' house until it is time for school.
As I drive the short distance to work, I am annoyed with most of the other drivers on the road, wishing I would sleep like a normal person, and (slowly) accepting the fact that it is only the beginning of my day.
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 10:30 PM | œ | 0 comments
Don't Go so Soon...
Counting Sheep! Come back, I'm not done sleeping!No matter what time I go to sleep, no matter what I ate or drank the previous day, no matter the state of mind I was in minutes before drifting off; I wake up four or five hours later. If I go to bed at two o'clock in the morning, I wake up at six; if I go to bed at 11:30 at night, I wake up at two. Last night I went to bed at 10:30 and I woke up at 4. Yes, your math is accurate, that last one has an extra hour tacked on to the end. I took a MetaRest just before bed.
I have no reaon to be awake now; no more reason than any of the other mornings that I woke up prematurely. I do not recall any dreams. I did not wake needing to drink (nor pass) water. It would not concern me If I wasn't so tired... constantly tired.
There is nothing on my mind other than:
"So, why am I up at four am on a Sunday?"
Should I remain in bed and pray for sleep... or should I get up and clean the house?
It is going to be a LONG day.
pero @ 4:36 AM | œ | 0 comments
Dam-it, I Just Want to Sleep.
This post was started at 3:13 am Tuesday Morning. I finished writing it and decided it was entirely too long for a single post. The second part of this will be published in a few days.
Somewhere beneath the surface, deep in my brain lies a cave where my fears, hopes, unfinished projects and all of my worries dwell. Once I fall asleep, they all creep out and torment my weary mind until I wake up. Once I wake up, the collection of fears, hopes, unfinished projects and all of my worries bounce around for hours, preventing me from falling asleep again.
Case in point: A few nights ago, I spent some time on line talking with friend, which we breezed through a couple of hours worth of time discussing our music tastes (and swapped a few files around, but don't tell on us). At 12:10 am, I said good-night and signed off, since I had plans of getting up around 5:30 am to get started on all of the stuff I need to get done.
By the time I had finished with updating my iPod, "sleeping" the computer, brushing and flossing and changing into my boxers, it was probably 12:30 am. I fell asleep quickly (which is usually the case) but woke up at 2:00 am. I drank some water and returned to bed, and lay there listening to my heartbeat for about fifteen minutes (with the clock mocking me one minute at a time) and I finally slipped back into a shallow semi-sleep somewhere in the next twenty minutes.
I waded around the shallow end of the sleep pool, fragments of not-quite dreams just out of reach, with random clips of recognizable faces and events dancing around behind my closed eyelids. I woke up again, quite suddenly, feeling anxious without knowing what had caused it. With the abundance of fears, hopes, unfinished projects and all of my worries I harbor--I suppose only my deep sub-conscious mind could answer that question.
I remained in my bed, trying desperately to push all thoughts out of my head and relax enough to fall asleep again. I gave up around 3:15 am. The way I look at it, I'm laying there unable to sleep, and I'm not even tired, so why continue to try to force sleep to come? This has been a problem for me for most of my life, I call them the insomnia cycles.
The sleepless part of the cycle generally lasts about two weeks, followed by my brain, most likely out of mere survival instinct, flipping some switch and finally allowing me to sleep without thought for an entire nine or ten hours. After that first night, I sleep relatively well, averaging five hours sleep for the next three or four days. Then the interrupted sleep cycle starts, and gradually gets worse over the next ten to twelve days.
During the interrupted sleep cycle, I still manage to fall asleep within fifteen minutes of laying down; typically waking up after two or three hours, and falling back asleep within fifteen or twenty minutes, then waking up approximately every hour (and so on) -- until I give up and get out of bed.
...to be continued
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 4:24 PM | œ | 0 comments
Sleep, in Theory, is a Simple Pleasure.
It's very early. I'm wide awake, and it is VERY early. I am not sure if going to bed at eleven was my first mistake or my second. My second mistake, if that is the case, would be actually believing I would sleep once I got into bed. (or maybe THAT is the first mistake and the time I climbed into bed was the second... if it really matters).
Thursday (which is technically today, but I am in denial that Thursday has indeed started), is going to be a busy day for me. I have a lot of stuff to get done an I am not going to feel like doing any of it on this little sleep.
I went to bed at eleven p.m., thinking it seemed logical since I have to get up early, and I felt tired at the time. A full night of sleep - for once, looked promising. All was well for the first couple of hours. I fell asleep quickly, and without struggle. I woke up two hours later (I had to pee if you really care). I have one of those small, dim, INDIGLO type night lights, which provides enough light to see without waking you up or being so bright that it causes you to stumble back to bed blind while your pupils re-adjust to the dark. I climbed back into bed and closed my eyes. But nothing happened.
I am not sure if my brain was done sleeping or if my body was bored laying there, but sleep was over for me for the night. "After two hours? You have got to be kidding me. I need more than that," I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to relax and fall back asleep. I may have dosed lightly, either that or I was relaxed enough to half dream but not be asleep. I cannot be sure which. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. Another hour had passed. Annoyed I rolled over and tried again to sleep.
More time passed, so slowly that I was literally praying for the sleep that would not come. I finally gave up about an hour ago. I had to be wake now anyway, so what point is there in even trying to cling to that last hour?
It is five minutes until six. The neighbor's dog is barking. Good morning, world. You cruel bastard.
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 5:58 AM | œ | 0 comments
I can't sleep when I'm awake, I can't wake up when I'm sleeping. -
I am not sure how much sense that makes, but that is how the words came into my head - just a few minutes ago. I realize, reading them again, that they are beyond comprehension. So much for sounding profound.
I think what I meant to say was, that when I have to be awake, I want nothing more than to go to sleep, and when I am trying to go to sleep, I simply can't relax enough to do so. (I am aware that what I just typed is most definately a run-on sentence, I am just too tired to care.)
I watched TV for a few hours last night, the movie choices being The Ghost in the Darkness, which is a good movie I had seen before. I started to flip the channels for a while, settled on Cheers and decided I needed to just go to bed and try to sleep. I fell asleep in about half an hour, and woke up about every hour or hour and a half. (or maybe even more often). At 5 a.m., I gave up. I'm tired but I can't sleep.
I realize that a lot of people will see the post below about the coffee and they will think, "Well, duh, Pero, you idiot... stop drinking so much damned coffee and maybe you won't be so tormented when you want to sleep."
Yes, thank you for that - I also noted that possibility. However, the last caffiene I had yesterday was a second cup around 10 a.m., and that is (at least for me) a record-breaking low as far as average daily caffiene intake. I am currently contemplating exactly why I am having this problem.
For as long as I can remember, I have had periods of sleeplessness; quite literally, since childhood. I remember times when I was as young as six, lying (?) laying (?) in my bed waiting to fall asleep. Once I did fall asleep, sometimes hours later, I would have strange dreams and wake up often. Out of fear of my parents, I did not get up and wander aimlessly around the house as I do now.
It's seven fifteen. I am yawning. I am tired. But I am willing to bet that once I lay down and drift off... the phone will ring.
Labels: insomnia
pero @ 7:19 AM | œ | 0 comments
