-| The Importance of Getting "IT" |-
[The Story of Jared, the guy who has NO clue]This is a story about an adult who's parents should be in prison for their lack of teaching.
I was flipping channels on the television today and stopped on some TV show - it isn't really important what it was I guess. These two people were sitting on the sofa eating popcorn. The Foley artist or sound board artist or whatever they use really over dramatized the smacking while these people ate. It was so bad it distracted me from whatever they talked about while they smiled, flirted and ate popcorn. It made me realize there are many many times that I have noticed (in an annoying way) too much noise during eating. I don't think its necessary to hear the sounds of digestion to get the point that the character on TV took a bite of an apple and chewed and swallowed the food. We get it, thank you.
Now, the movies is NOT the only place this phenomenon takes place. There is this guy I know, (we will just call him Jared, because he looks kind of like the guy on the Subway commercial anyway.) I guess you could say he's a friend of a friend? Or an ex-boyfriend of a former co-worker? Well this guy makes more noise than the notorious fictional Homer Simpson. I've never seen or heard anything that compares to the atrocity that is this guy's manners.
Granted, no guy wants to tell another guy his table manners are bad; it just seems too awkward. (That is how it is for the heterosexual population anyway, I don't know maybe this guy needs to dine just once with a group of gay guys who would likely say what even a woman won't say when it comes to being a total pig). This is not intended as a stereotype or insult, I think it can be a good quality to not worry about the things that EVERYONE wants to say but they don't say it for whatever reason.
My first encounter with Jared was when my co-worker wanted me and some other friends to meet the new boyfriend she had been seeing for a few weeks. We decided on a movie followed by a late dinner. During the movie, Jared smacked away happily on popcorn noisily sucking his fingertips and chattering throughout the film. I can't stand for someone to talk through an entire movie, especially since I am paying $8+ dollars to see it.
After the movie we go to a diner, since its nearly midnight. Everyone places their orders and Jared begins to eat. The first thing I really noticed was the toddler-like grasp this man had on his fork. He then leaned down so his beard was 3" from the plate and began shoveling corn into his mouth. Stopping every so often to talk, launching an assault of food particles and spittle on the poor guy sitting across from him.
Jared then turned to his girlfriend, who had ordered 'breakfast' as I had, and said, "Wow! you must really be hungry! You're really putting it away!" Granted, she was neither eating at an abnormal rate, nor making noises, nor eating a large quantity of food. She looked mortified, guilted and ashamed and I immediately felt badly for her. He spoke hurriedly with an obscene lack of volume control. She spent the next week apologizing to us for making our table a spectacle.
I had the honor of being their third wheel on more than one occasion; which I seemed to have a knack for not saying no, mainly I think to try to provide moral support for my co-worker, or maybe just for some company. One time, we were again going to the movies, I had talked with my friend and told her I would NOT - under any circumstance - sit next to him during a movie ever again. It was agreed that she would sit between us, and I felt it would be safe to go.
We sit at her house waiting until it was time to go for around half an hour. We then proceed to drive (in silence) to the theater; after which we spend 15 minutes in line for tickets. As we are approaching the window; no we were AT the window, he turns to her and says, "Oh by the way we're going Dutch, right?" Everyone in line, including the lady behind the little pane of glass stood with their mouth gaping in horror, as he said this - in his usual lack-of-volume-control way.
She started to check her pocketbook for money and I approached the lady at the booth and purchased two tickets, turned and handed one to my friend. She then glares at Jared, tears of what can only be a mixture of humiliation and rage, and says "You know, you had nearly an hour to bring that up what is wrong with you? Are you RETARDED?" He looks at her, oblivious to how truly embarrassed she is and said "WHAT?" as he laughed nervously. She was furious. She simply looked at him and sighed, and said, "You just don't get... IT." This last word is punctuated by a palm-up hand gesture indicating she is holding something heavy in her hand. I want to crawl behind a display for an upcoming movie at this point.
We get in the theater and find our seats, and before the previews come on I ask my friend if she would like anything in the form of refreshments and after she asked for a soda and maybe some milk duds, if that would be okay? (Sure whatever you want, I tell her). I turn to Jared who starts to place his "order" (I guess) and I hold my hand out to him, palm up. He stopped mid-sentence and said, "Oh. No I don't need anything." (You pathetic, CHEAP bastard!, I thought).
I get back with the refreshments and Jared makes some LOUD comment about how I'm lucky to not have missed the previews. He then tries to talk my friend and I out of some of our refreshments with a rushed "You don't mind sharing that do you?"
I honestly do not understand how anybody can reach adulthood and be so unaware of himself. He displays in every detail everything I was taught not to do by the time I was four years old. He inadvertently offended me in so many ways I was at a complete loss for words the next few times that I was blessed enough (ha ha) to be in his presence.
I am sure I can conjure up many more Jared stories... but I think I might save them for future rants; besides, I know from experience Jared is best taken in very very small doses.
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31 Jan 2002- perotheus.com
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