Phone Menu Angst

    I harbor a growing hate for automated telephone menus. Businesses using them claim that they save time. I can only assume that they mean it saves THEM from having to pay somebody to act as the switchboard operator. I am not against ALL automated phone menus, just the ones that are lengthy and complex to the point that the business really should just have a person to do the job.

    Thank you for calling The Walking Cupie Doll Bar and Grill. If you would like to hear our menu press 1. If you would like to place an order press 2. If you would like to change or cancel an order press 3. If you are calling to check the status of your order press 4. If you would like to hear your chef's credentials, press 5. To repeat this menu press 8.

    (caller presses 5 because he or she was not listening, and then they have to hear the entire thing again.) The second time around, the caller presses 1.

    Thank you for selecting our restaurant to serve you. You selected 1, to review our menu. If this is correct press 1. If this is incorrect press 2... to hear the menu now press 3. To repeat this menu press 8.

    What in the hell happened to personalized service? I am not against electronic ordering, I actually like having the option of placing an order for lunch through - but on the phone, I want to talk to a person. To dial a number, and after three rings or less get a real person makes me happy. It is my desire to have that person at least sound as if they enjoy the job. Otherwise I feel like I am calling them at a bad time. Actually, that is the case if they are in a bad mood so scratch that.

    In my idea of perfect world, the same phone call as above would go more like this:

    (ring... ring... ring) "Thank you for calling The Walking Cupie Doll Grill and Bar. This is Jamie - How may I help you?"

    "Hi, Jamie. This is Pero. I would like to order lunch."

    (Jamie takes a moment to remember me, since I call them at least once a week to order lunch, or at least feigns recognition).

    "Oh, hi, Pero. Would you like to know what's on special?"

    "No thanks I never try anything new. I'd like the Super Colossal Cheeseburger, mustard INSTEAD of mayonnaise, no onion."

    "What? No bacon?"

    "Is it free?"

    "Not exactly. It's thirty cents more for 3 slices of it though."

    "What a deal. Sure throw on bacon too."

    "Fries or a drink?"

    "Not today."

    "Okay, one Super Colossal Cheeseburger, with bacon and mustard - and no mayonnaise or onion -" that comes to $4.80. That will be ready and waiting in about 5 minutes. Thank you for your order."

    "Giddy up! I'll be there."

    (All of the good-hearted American Thank you-s - goodbye and all of that) and I leave my desk to go get my food. HAPPY. HAPPY.

    Of course we all know I don't live in a perfect world and more often than not, the person that is not quite Jamie answers the phone "yeah" and pops chewing gum in my ear while sighing heavily and generally making me feel as if I have burdened her in some way. One day when I take over things will change.

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    06 Oct 2003 - perotheus.com
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