Oooh! Candy!

One of the items I found in my Christmas Stocking this year was a one-pound bag of Chewy Sprees [candy]. Tuesday afternoon, everybody ate some of them while we watched the Back to the Future Trilogy [on DVD] – which was one of the items I gave Tim since that is his favorite movie of all time.

I guess is sad to get a friend a gift that he will end up bringing to my house to watch since I have a bigger TV than he does — but then he absconded with my Pocket PC for a few hours and played Monopoly on it until the battery ran down. [Isn't this what friends are for?] Aren’t you SUPPOSED to buy them stuff you want so that you can use it?

Anyway! I put the Spree bag in a ZipLoc baggie and put it far back on the kitchen counter; presumably out of reach of my dog, who seems to posess the ability to grasp things with his front paws. [He once managed to reach/grab a loaf of bread that was on top of the Microwave and proceeded to consume the entire thing while I was out grocery shopping.] I came home with everything except for bread, which I quickly discovered I no longer had in my ‘inventory’ of food.

Thursday after work, I went to a friend’s house to help her with some computer problems she was having; and stayed for dinner. [yum] When I got home around nine pm, I noticed a large Ziploc bag on the floor. It was empty and had a huge hole right in the center.

About four feet away from that was a bright green Chewy Spree candy bag… also empty. I looked at the dog. He feigned shame and guilt [maybe it was genuine, who knows] and tried to escape to his crate [kennel]. I bellowed ‘COME HERE’, which is what you have to do to even get this moronic dog to listen to you.

He s l o w l y crept toward me, almost in an ‘army crawl’, as if I have habitually beaten and kicked him his entire life. [You don't have to even consider hitting this dog, if you LOOK at him like he did something wrong, he gets the same shame/guilty look on is face every time. I think he must be Catholic.

I held the [empty] bag in front of his face, I said sternly, “WHAT is THIS?” [Yes I talk to this dog. He understands a fair number of phrases.]

He lowered his head, ears down, tail tucked. “*sigh*” [dog's reply].

“What did You DO?” I was extremely angry, since this dog has had a problem with helping himself to anything on the counter that he can reach – when he knows nobody is looking.

I was frantically trying to remember where I had put all of the chocolate candy. Was it in the same bag? or did I put it in something else? How sick is this dog going to get?

I sent the dog to his kennel “Go-to-Your KENNEL!” This is the equivelant to sending your kid to his/her room, and it works for the most part with this dog.

I did not sleep well last night. I was laying there, half awake, listening for the dog to give any indication that the pound of sugar he had consumed was having an adverse affect on his digestive system. I wondered what his blood sugar would be if I were to test it. I wondered how I would explain this to the vet if he had to go in. I wondered about the massive quantity of candy and the affect it would have on his kidneys; which are already not working as they should.

I wrote this at five a.m. — I had been up since 3:30. I could not go aback to sleep, so I got up, made breakfast and let the dog out. He is doing well and showing no signs of illness, but I bet he had a worse night than I did.

Making a List… and Another List…

I have an obsessive scratch pad note taking issue. I keep lists. Lots and lots of lists. Appointments, grocery lists, to-do lists, already done lists, double-sided errand lists, lists for bills to be paid, lists of bills already paid, I think you get the idea. They are on the counter in the kitchen, on my desk, stuck on the monitor, in the truck, by the phone, on my night stand. I always have a pad of paper and a pen with me.

I have at least fifteen pads of paper around my desk and house. They differ in sizes and colors, some have post-it glue some do not, some are made from waste prints from the printer [You can take your unwanted printer papers down to a print shop and ask them to cut and pad them for you, just be sure to face the blank sides all the same way first]. They will cut them to the size you want and put padding glue on the edge. Voila – a scratch pad… inexpensive and it is relatively environmentally conscious.

Tim got me a Pocket PC for Christmas. Apparently, this is a less-than-subtle hint that I have been contributing to the killing of millions of innocent trees. I never realized that I wanted one until I started playing with it. So far I have entered in notes [to do lists], installed a grocery list program [which can be edited by my computer and uploaded to the pocket pc, or entered in using the stylus [pen-type wand] and convenient pre-typed menus]. I have customized it with “themes” [Snoopy, The Simpsons, Gossamer, Calvin and Hobbes - and a few others].

I also got a bunch of clothes [which I hate shopping for myself, so that is cool with me], and some books [like Emeril's cooking with kids cookbook and some others.]

Now I just have to find a use for all of these note-pads laying around.

Merry Christmas…

I hope that everyone’s Holiday Season is safe and happy. I guess by now, most of you have noticed that Tim hacked my website and animated the header. Now if it would just snow – really snow around here, I would be happy.

If anybody can tell me where this sound clip comes from, I would be grateful — I’ve been trying to figure it out for a long time. It is one of my favorite wavs.

Happy Holidays!

Fear and Loathing During the Holiday Season

I. hate. crowded. shopping. malls.

What TYPE of test!?

This morning, I woke up late [after having a very bizarre dream].

I was at a doctor’s office, standing in front of the little exam table covered with paper.

I was told by a woman that they were going to stick an i.v. line in my arm in order to give me a sedative so that they could draw blood to do further tests.

I deluged them with questions such as WHAT type of test? What are you testing FOR? – They refused to answer any questions. For some reason they held me down on the table and administered the sedative iv drip.

About an hour [dream time] passed and I was still awake and alert, annoyed as hell and refusing to cooperate with them. A doctor with short blonde hair came in, wearing a short black dress with red and yellow flowers on it.

She asked me if I had been trying to count backwards from ten yet. I told her no, and I had no plans to do so. She pulled a syringe out and plunged it into my bicep and I passed out [again in dream time it was about 3 seconds].

Then the cat woke me up.

——–
By the time I showered, got the kid ready for school and had to leave to drop her off and go to work, I was running late – so I took my half bagel with cream cheese to go.

I had my thermos of coffee (thermos) under my right arm, my bagel in my right hand, and my truck keys in my left hand. I was walking across the yard and suddenly – from nowhere – a bug decided to land right on my bagel. In the cream cheese. If amplified it would have sounded like “Squlpsh!”

Greedy Beetchos!

Well, I had planned on changing the song of the moment today – if you read the previous days’ posts and comments and decide that you should have downloaded it while it was up – e-mail me and I’ll keep it on the server [for a while] and send you a link.

It’s nearly Christmas. I got :some: of the shopping done, but I am not finished. You would think that a guy who keeps lists of things to do would actually get more accomplished than I do. I just kept putting it off. I finished doing the kid’s shopping, and my mom’s. I just have a handful of friends to buy for THEN I’m done.

I also need to make peanut brittle – which I’ll try to do tomorrow, I guess. The problem with that is, once you make it people ask you for it every year. Greedy Beetchos!

I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season. I will try to post again [maybe twice, who knows] before Christmas hits. I know I have to change the song of the moment again [possibly twice] in a few days to get in the one I have been wanting to share with you.

It is just about time for me to shower, and have cake. This time I have milk to go with it. – Giddy up.

Have your cake and eat it too!

Well, I’m no fool, anybody who can eat cake can do that. A 80s Dudley Moore movie has a line about it, I think it was Mickey and Maude [?] – but I can’t be sure. He says it is supposed to be [something along the lines of] “You can eat your cake and have it too, because nobody can eat the cake and still have the cake. If you could eat your cake, and still have the cake THAT would be something!”

I don’t know why I thought of this, other than I am eating cake, but only had a few ounces of milk left because I forgot to buy some at the store, even though it is written on the list. This means that while I can eat my cake, I can’t have my milk too. So we now have an entirely new meaning to the stupid idiom “you can have your cake and eat it too!”

I am going to look up the origin of that phrase later [it's on the list]. If you find the link before I look for it [I'm pretty good at finding stuff, I just want to do nothing else but go to sleep right now.] Throw the link my way in either email or comments [links don't usually work in comments unless you type out the html source code for them].

I’m going to have to remember to take the list with me next time, on top of remembering to get milk for tomorrow when I finish the cake.

Site News:

Over 30 words were added to the word-a-lizer, thank you all for your submissions…

Maybe it just needs a little love

On Sunday… I finally selected and purchased a Christmas tree for this year. It is a crooked tree that probably grew on a hill. For some reason I tend to buy these less-than perfect trees. I think it’s because I don’t want them to have died for nothing, even if their purpose lasts just over one week. We still have to decorate the tree this evening. I purchased a new tree topper at Target — it is a motorized santa and sleigh with reindeer that rotates on a wire around the top. [I could not pass it up because it amused me.] I save the trunks from the real trees because I make them into a Christmas decoration. It’s something my dad did when I was young and I have always kept them. I have not cut them to make the decoration yet, but I have each tree stump with the year penciled on the end. When I get a chance to borrow my buddy’s woodshop tools I plan to finish the project. I’ll take a picture of it when I am finished with it and post it so that you can see what it is.

It feels like a Sunday, the type of day you spend sitting around the house watching whatever sports or movies you can find on the TV worth staring at for hours on end. It’s cloudy and cool [but not cold] outside, which makes for a perfect movie day.

*** Update ***

Last night, I rented Panic Room and Insomnia. [Guess I was in a mood to watch people suffer or something]. Both movies are good, I liked Insomnia more, because it was not as predictable [for me].

Crisis Over – [Under - Done]

Well, I have completely emptied and cleaned every surface in my kitchen. I have inspected every container and discarded / replaced everything necessary. I don’t know where they came from but I think [hope] the weevils are gone forever. I’ve never had a problem with them before. I am not sure where they came from but I hope they do not come back.